What is the worst thing about losing a loved one? It depends on who you ask. For some it’s the physical presence, being able to touch, cuddle, kiss, feel and even smell them. For others it’s the routine daily things, feeding them, taking them for a walk, grooming, letting them in and out when they ask. We all have things that make us question our decisions during their lifetime, at the time of their passing and sometimes even beyond.

No matter what we feel the most, there is no doubt that they leave a gaping hole in our lives, many gaping holes. We realise it’s their dinner time, only to remember that they are not there to feed. We sit down and they’re not sitting next to us or on us.

Then there is the inevitable guilt and regret.

We have a lot to deal with and it seems overwhelming and endless.

There are many things that can hold us back from having closure over the loss of a pet and people often want to ask them about these things during a reading.

Many people worry that they made the wrong decision when they took their pet to the vet to be helped to pass over. This is what Bailey had to say when he was asked if he was OK with going:

“I knew and I was ready and I was thankful. But you have to remember there is more than just you in the relationship. If I had wanted to go sooner you would have known. Do you think that at the end you suddenly didn’t know me very well? We were bonded in love and we always knew how the other felt”

I have heard over and over from them that we always make the choice at the right time. That’s why we do it when we do, because it’s the right time. But we still beat ourselves up over it and hearing directly from our beloved pet can help us so much in the healing process.

Sometimes we don’t know what was wrong with a pet before they passed and we feel terrible about not having seen they were ill. We think maybe we could have saved them if only we had known. Here is what Laddie had to say to his mummy about this:

“I was sick for a while and I was hiding it well”

Laddie wanted me to explain to his mummy that he didn’t want her to think she could have done something. He was very clear that she couldn’t have.

“I didn’t want to be your patient, I always wanted to be your dearest friend”

I can understand this. I feel now that I wouldn’t want anyone who loved me to become my carer. I wouldn’t want our relationship to be one of carer and patient. I want to maintain the love and friendship and mutual support and many animals feel the same way.

But who knows, if I was sick and coming towards the end of my life I might be very grateful to have someone who loves me caring for me. Many animals I’ve spoken with have expressed immense pride and appreciation for their human parents for their selfless love and devotion.

In my work I help a lot of people reconnect with their pets who have passed over and through this, and my own many experiences of losing pets of my own, I know all the feelings that you feel.

The best advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself. We are all trying to do our best. Sometimes life gets in the way and sometimes we fall short. We are all souls, living a physical existence on this planet and we are all learning. We only know what we know and hindsight is not really such a wonderful thing because it can make us feel bad when we shouldn’t.

Animals in readings have told me, and their families, that not only are they here to teach us but they come to us to learn as well. Like us, they are only doing their best with what they know and that is why they understand. They don’t expect us to be perfect any more than we expect it from them. They know that we get busy and ignore them sometimes, just like they get busy and ignore us. They mean to give us more attention but forget because a lovely smell came along or that game tired them out and they fell asleep.

And at the end of our lives, if they are still present, they do what they can to help, even if they don’t know if they’re getting it right. Just like we do with them.

So give yourself a chance to grieve and then remember, remember that they came to bring you joy and laughter. Remember that they came to live a life with you and they did that. Remember that they came to learn and you taught them. Remember that they came to experience love and they certainly did.

When we can’t find closure we remember the end, the last few days, weeks, or maybe moments. We remember all the things we said we would do but didn’t do enough of, and all the things we said we wouldn’t do that we did. We live with regret and guilt.

I have a question I would like you to think about. Did you have the perfect pet? That one who always listens, all the time, without fail and responds quickly. That never chewed anything they shouldn’t. That never left claw marks on the furniture. That never dug a hole in the garden. That came every time you called. The one who was never unnecessarily noisy, that never argued. The pet that you never once got frustrated with or wished you could find a way to stop them doing THAT thing. The one who never knocked you down, pulled you around or stole something they shouldn’t. The one you never, ever had to raise your voice to or get hold of to tell them to stop.

If you had that pet you were one of those extremely rare people and that was one of those extremely rare pets.

But you loved them to the core anyway didn’t you? With all their faults and all the things they did that could drive you crazy your love was still as deep as the ocean.

I don’t have to tell you that with all your faults they loved you just as much. You already know that. They know there is no such thing as the perfect human. After all they are just getting along in this life like we are, doing their best. They understand.

And if you passed away before them, what would you want for them? To spend the rest of their lives in misery? Worrying about that thing they did one day when they got irritated with you Thinking over and over again about your last moments. Refusing to even think about the good times you had, the places you went, the things you did together and all the love and laughter you experienced – together.

They tell me, and their families over an over that they know we need to grieve but that time has to pass and then they want us to remember. As Max said so eloquently put it:

“We had many good times and I want you to remember them more. We all want you to smile and laugh when you think of us. Why do you think we got up to all those antics? It was so that you would have lots of happy memories – not sad ones. If you count the happy memories and the sad ones I hope we left you with many more happy ones. If we didn’t then we failed and I know we didn’t fail. So smile when you think of us. Take out those funny memories and remind each other of the good times we had”